Dig A Little Deeper

Wednesday, February 02, 2005



well kind of....i found some amazing news out.. I AM SO EXCITED. but you all will have to be left in suspense, because i have to keep it a secret for a little while. AHHH

anyways today kind of sucked...i slept in and didn't go to computer class because i was going to study for my bio test. But of course not, i didn't study at all. It wasn't that bad though.

Its been a while since i've updated..so i will fill you in on my weekend
Friday: Worked ughhh then Kelli,Carrie,Chrissie,and uncle scott came!! i was so relieved to see them. I needed my people :) Plato picked us up that evening and it was just so much fun. We went to eat at the Peaunut Barrell(sp?) and then to his house and the mall and then beaners and then we all came back here and played zobmondo, then he left and we just talked and talked.
Sat: MCR Convention. I have to say it was pretty fun and interesting. So we all rode up to kalamazoo w/ plato and jen also. she is so funny. It was just a good time. That darn matt hall pissed me off though. then we went to the game in the evening which was extremely fun. Carrie won a t-shirt for her dancing abilities haha and she talked a lot w/ kelvin torberts friend. It was just fun. CHrissie and Uncle Scott were back for that, but then left and we stayed and plato picked us up from the breslin and we went to justines house. Shes a nother cr who was having a major kegger lol. I didn't really feel like drinking, it just doesn't seem alot of fun to me, so i just hung out and talked to carrie and plato most of the time. My sister sure had fun though
and then they had to leave on sat for chrissies b-ball tournament, which was sad, but it was nice to see them.

That was exciting weekend. On to HW now........

Wednesday, January 26, 2005


Today was a good day actually. I had my first computers test and I finished in like 20min. No one else was even close to being done...so I figured I did something wrong and went back over the whole thing and still no one had finished. So I just handed mine in and left. It was so easy though...but I guess I'm a computer nerd. Then I went to ISB....which was pointless. We learned about a bubbleheads and bubbletrees. I still have to finish my freaking colefired power plant paper for tomorrow. AHHHHHHhhhhhhh

I AM SO EXCITED FOR FRIDAY. kelli,carrie,chrissie and uncle scott are coming. I guess on Sat. Carrie made us plans to go w/ Plato to the convention here and my vote is very important i guess! whooooo anyways Plato will be picking us up....:) lets just say it will be fun! Then Sat. night we are going to the basketball game, another fun evening because we always have amazing seats.I can't wait until next year and hopefully Carrie will be down here and Ican talk to her whenever i want. We are definately the ones who will be chatting over coffee on a friday night rather than going to a stupid party. AHh i can't wait.

On another note, Delco Rowley is in my bio class. Today I looked over at him and he was eatting a full taco bell meal. Just thought you'd all like to know :)

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

i wonder if everything
i do
i do insteadof something i want to do more
the question fills my head
i know there's no grand plan here
this is just the way it goes
when everything else seems unclear
i guess at least i know

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Oh yeah..one more thing

My name is Jenny. Everyone that knows me best...and everyone I love calls me Jenny. This whole Jennifer thing came as a reinvention in college. I was told once by a boy that Jennifer was more sexy than Jenny. So from that moment I was Jennifer. I do like Jennifer better...I seriously do, but I guess I'm jenny. I like Jen alot tooo, but my mom doesn't for some reason. But when it comes to kelli,carrie,jessica, its jenny. I just felt the need to express this while I was on the whole "finding my realself" kick. So if you know me by jennifer, keep it up, i like it...but for all the rest of you Jenny is fine.

Seriously I AM CRAZy.


I get so frustrated sometime. So, I talk to this person on the phone tonight and I'm thinking and knowing exactly how I'm feeling. I know how I want this person to see me, I know exactly what I want them to think of me as...I want them to know me...and understand me and understand where I"m coming from. But of course noooo....i get jumbled up in words and end up trying to say things that don't sound as "perfect" as I would have thought and don't give this person the impression I wanted them to get. I HATE IT. I seriouslythe hate the fact that I cannot express myself. It pisses me off that someone thinks I am not the type of person they would want to be with, let along even be friends with. Now what really bothers me is the fact that am I trying to do this for some type of self-gradification? Am I just trying to get the response I want to hear..and then its done? I have come to the conclusion that I am crazy.
> >1. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Inventing a Nation by Gore Vidal..no not by choice
3 WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE? Hmm. Nothing really. I have a touchpad on my laptop.
> >4. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE BOARD GAME? Scene It? rocks. And Cranium is probably cool, but I wasn't exactly in my right state of mind while playing it lol
5. FAVOURITE MAGAZINE? Glamour, People, US
6. BABIES? Not now! Maybe in the extreme distant future. I want to have a baby.. I just don't want to HAVE a baby.
7. FAVOURITE SOUND? The beginning notes of songs that I loooooove
8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? rejection,failure...missing somewhere/someplace/something
>9. FIRST THING YOU THINK OF IN THE MORNING? Stop the alarm. Stop the alarm. Stop the alarm.>
>10. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME: I have a few in mind ;)
11 . FAVOURITE COLOUR? Some type of blue.. sky blue probably.
12. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE? My family, my friends, being true to myself
13. FAVOURITE FOOD? I like alot of different things...just not seafood.
>16. SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Oh yes. haha..my Michigan State Snowman
17. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? Definately cool, unless they are lifethreatening...then scary for sure
18. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? I guess a chevy malibu....
19. THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU> COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO? brittany ... i would just like to see what happened and why.
>20. FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Haha.. Jager and Goldschlager shots. lol I don't know. I've only had that once. And it wasn't bad. Cosmopolitans look fabulous, but I have not had one...I guess beer, any kind haha.
21. WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR? nothing at all..well maybe some tools.
>22. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Yeah, but that's definatelybe not the best part.>
>23. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD> IT BE? If I knew the answer to that question, I would not be having so many deciding of the major problems!! I guess something cool where I could get to travel.>
>25. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Nope definatley not "what, do you just wake up in the morning and you're like, hey, I'm in love!"> >
26. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? Depends on the day. Today, half full.
>27. FAVOURITE MOVIE? Chicago, baby!>
>28. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT> KEYS? Yep. i am extremely fast typer
>30. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE NUMBER? 63, i don't know why...i just like it
31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH? I don't watch sports, really, but i guess basketball or hockey.
>32. SAY AT LEAST ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON> WHO SENT THIS TO YOU. Well jessica....hmmm..you are the best friend that i could ever have, and i think you definatley proved that this weekend.
>33. IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE WHERE WOULD> IT BE? On the ocean in Italy or even on the east coast somewhere. I would love to live in Europe though....
34. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? i guess my steve madden vest...its quite puffy and unique though, so i only can wear it once in a great while.
>35.BEACH, MOUNTAINS OR CITY? They all appeal to me.....
>36. TECHNOLOGY OR ART? Art... but technology can be fun.
>37. COMEDY OR HORROR? Horror.. i like scary movies
>38. FAVOURITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? i don't know...eyes, OH and they have to have nice teeth, it grosses me out if they don't
>39. FAVOURITE TIME OF DAY? Evening, especially in the summer.>
>40. THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? I am a music pirate, haha. So it's been a while since I bought a CD for myself. I did buy the keith urban cd
>42. WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG> IN BODY? Strong in mind, but strong in body'snothing bad either....> >>
>43. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Ugh like 7:30 in the morning, because it takes me freaking forever to get ready
>44. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE KITCHEN ITEM? a cheese grater? haha jk... i like pepper grinders
45. WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY? a lot of thingssssssssss
>49. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD> IT BE? the ability to read peoples minds....
>50. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT? Don't have one, probably won't get one..well maybe a magnolia haha for you jessica

>51. CAN YOU JUGGLE? nooo
>56. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CARTOON? Aqua teen hunger force....jk, mm southpark i guess
>57. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE MEAL? anything grandma makes
>59. DO YOU HAVE PETS? 2 dogs, Ella and Buddy
I have obsessions. Certain things that stay on my mind and never comepletely go away. Things that dirve me crazy while im forced to push them to the back of my mind and concentrate on something else. But when Im free to think about them, they fill me with a longing, and they complete me in a way. I want my obsessions to be real, but they are only partly real. Partly real because I let them be. I let myself fall so deeply into them that they are real to me for a split second, then reality comes back to me and they're just obsessions again. But im happy for that split second, i feel what i want to feel. I want my obessions so bad its almost physical. But sometimes i wonder if its not that i want my obessions to be real or more that i just dont want reality to be what it is. I'll never know. Sorry... I'm crazy. My mind works to fast and the thoughts are only understood by me. I tried to make this entry into something someone might be able to understand, but i dont know if you can get the exact feeling i feel by simple words, you would have to have the thought process that i have to go with it.Obsessions and longing can not be achieved without the other...Maybe its just me...

You've got to be kidding me

OKAY well I am currently trying to write a paper on Coal fired power plants in the Great Lakes Region. I got extremely bored anl d decided to update. I feel very accomplished today so far though. Homework is actually getting done. I some weird problem, seriously, where I cannot sit down and study. Everyone says they have it, but I'm really thinking I have an adult case of ADD. Hmm...I wonder what pill I could pop to solve that problem.

Sidebar: I really do not like the new fashion trend, these huge furry boots ppl are wearing. They were okay at first, I mean once in a while the right person can make them look really cute, but thats only once in a great while. EVERYONE here is wearing them and they proceed to roll up their pants and it just doesn't look that cute. I don't know, maybe i'm just not as "fashionable" as all of the MSU girls, but goodlord do they not see that this is a hugeeeeeeeee FAD, just like ponchos. Don't get me started.

well i'm sure i'll be back later after i get another sentence written in this freaking paper.


Why do I do this to myself? Seriously, I do no understand why I am such a messy person. I set my alarm for like 9am this morning so I could get up and clean before Amy got back. I hate messiness...I hate cleaning....soooo you'd think I wouldn't put myself in the situation where I have an incredible mess to pick up. But I tend to just throw my stuff on the ground, I mean what is that?

Anyways I didn't go to bed untill like 3:30 last night, wayyyy tooo late for me. I wonder what type of person I would be if I went to bed at like 8 o'clcok every night. I meant seriously, it would probably totally change my personality. I would be alert and chipper all the time ;)

OFF TO ClEaN Up!!! Yay! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

* OH! and I heard some fabulous news last night! buti can't say until its confirmed, but i'm so excited :)
..one old love
she can imagine
going back to..
and one who reminds
her how far she has come...
..enough money within her
control to move out and
rent a place of her own
even if she never wants
to or needs to...
.something perfect to wear if
the employer or date of her dreams
wants to see her in an hour...
.a youth she's content
to leave behind..
..a past juicy enough that
she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age...
..a set of screwdrivers,
cordless drill, and a black
lace bra...
.one friend who always makes
her laugh... and one who lets
her cry...
..a good piece of furniture
not previously owned by anyone
else in her family..
..eight matching plates, wine
glasses with stems, and a recipe
for a meal that will make her
guests feel honored..
..a feeling of control over
her destiny...
.how to fall in love without
losing herself...
.how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend
without ruining the friendship...
and how to change a tire!!!!!!!
..when to try harder... and
when to walk away...
..that she can't change the
length of her calves, the width
of her hips, or the nature of her
..that her childhood may not
have been perfect...but its
..what she would and wouldn't
do for love or more...
.how to live alone... even if
she doesn't like it...
..whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't
take it personally...
..where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...
what she can and can't
accomplish in a day.
a month...and a year...

Saturday, January 22, 2005


Well, I have finally done it... I am creating an online journal for you all to view! I guess I just decided I needed to put all of these thoughts down somewhere, and yes I have a lot them. Thats all I ever do is just sit and think about things. So, all of you who continue to read this on a regular basis will be become quite familiar with me and everything I am into, and everything I am not into. Just remember, this journal or blog or whatever isn't for you..so don't judge me or say i ramble or who cares or whatever you ppl say when you read an online journal. This is for me, so I can let everything that i keep inside, out. So just let it be.
I'll start with my day today:

Well actually it all starts from yesterday (you need to understand what happened yesterday, to understand how I got to today) Anyways I was having an extremely shitty day, you know the mental breakdown type thing where you aren't sure the purpose or meaning of your life? Yeah it was lovely. It was one of those "feel sorry for Jenny" days, and wow was it a whopper. I think part of it has to do with the fact that I listen to very depressing music. MMM its not meant to be depressing, but when I listen to it, I listen to the words and analyze them..another wonderful trait of mine, overanalyzing, anyways this new guy I'm listening to (By the way, his name is Matt Nathanson) is absolutley fabulous...actually better than the Graham Colton band I must say. But anyways what I was getting to was the fact that I go to letssingit.com on a regular basis and read and reread all of his songs and somehow find a way to relate them to my life and then it depresses me.
Due to my sucky day, I put up and extremely depressing profile on AIM with a very almost pyschotic (sp?) away message. I really should have rethought that rash decision before doing it, but I just wanted everyone to, you know, "feel sorry for me" ahhh.. anyways I guess I didn't realize that so many ppl read my away message and profile and actually cared about me. (okay that was kind of a feel bad for me quote again...man am i pathetic) so i get numerous ims asking if i was okay and asking what was wrong including my two favorite people in the world...kelli and jessica. So Kelli ends up calling me and i talk to jessica online and by the end of our conversation...we are all full on crying. This shows what a great sister and friend i have, i mean no one quite gets me like they do or can make me laugh harder than i ever had or cry harder than i ever had. No matter how crazy or stupid or i am (which i can be both) , or when i am totally unsocial feeling and being very bitchy to both of them, they are there and still my bestfriends ..with no other people can i laugh outloud for hours (seriously) and no you guys, i do not sound like a pirate when i laugh haha. Anyways they talked and decided that since kelli could not be here jessica had to take the initiative and so i was just sitting here watching a movie bymyself in the dark and i hear a knock on the door. Its jessica. She has bundled up in the cold and rode her bike to my dorm. She immediatley just hugged me and of course I cried again. She said she knew i needed her, so she came. thats why i love jessica and thats why i love kelli too.....because they love me sooo much.
so we talked and decided that the night was going to get better. So she waited and I took a shower and then we were off to her dorm for the night. Well we walked into her room and realized we were being "sexiled" haha...her roommate and bf were obviously pissed off that we had decided to interupt their fun. so we dropped our stuff off and decided to walk up and down every single floor of Bryan hall. Yes..this was our Friday evening fun. Anyways we were halfway down floor 2, boys side, when we see a familiar face. Its mike morse! So we stop and start talking and then his other pals come out and they say hey...want to hang out...and we say hey, why not. So we go over to this kids room and sit and talk. They have like a whole bar setup in their room w/ everything you can imagine. I just had one beer and a shot of something w/ gold nuggets in it or something, but i don't know, doing that didn't seem fun to me at all. haha..Jessica, we do have gold in our bodies now! haha anyways thats all I had, and it was fine, jessica on the other hand had a few more and was definatley enjoying herself. So everyone decides lets go back to jess's room and play cranium. anyways, what the hell am i doing? this was yesterday, i was suppose to be explaining my day today. AHHH well that was yesterday, today i got up at jessicas at like 5am and was freezing, my body was seriously shaking. I got up and stole another blanket from janna's bed and then was fine. Then we all woke up at like 11am when jessica's stupid broadway ringtone went off at record decibals. When i mean we all woke up, i mean me, jess,janna, and janna's bf who slept over too. It was a pARTY!!! jk
we got up and went to breakfast and there of course, in my pajamas was janiv...hottest man alive. jessica and i wonder why it is that every freaking time we decided to just go somewhere in our pjs or not wear makeup and look like total shit, we see hottest man alive (aka janiv).? i mean is it some kind of sick joke? its really starting to piss me off. anyways that made my morning more enjoyable just seeing him haha, but also i had a large sprinkle donut and fruitypebbles which were also quite enjoyable. then we went back and sat and played ddr (dancedancerevolution for all of you ppl who are unaware) that was fun tooo. LIFE WAS LOOKING UP TODAY. and THEN lol i was online at her computer and who's on but John...who would be a pal i met a long time ago on a random walk home from a party. So we start talking and he lives next to jessica. So hes says come over and i say mmm no. haha well not exactly but anyways i convince him to come over ands he brings his guitar and plays some music. It was really really nice. So we continue just hanging out w/ him for a while then he leaves then i decide that i have to leave, because jessica has a date with a pakistany man. His name is Asim (pronounced Awesome, but he changed it when he got here because people he thought would make fun of him, now he pronounces it Awseem)soooooooo i waited for the freaking bus in the blowing snow and finally made it back to homesweethome holden hall. and have been watching tv or been on the computer ever since. Kelli just sent me the link to her "webblog" and told me i should make one..so here it is.
Today's entry was very unproductive. It really tells nothing of how i feel or what i think..its basically just a little story. but you just wait, it'll get so much better. I'm guessing i will be updating throughout the evening on my exciting events due to the fact that well...i am just hanging by myself tonight. i could do homework, since i have let it pile up...but nah